You will always be our friend..

My friend that I talked about in my last blog passed away last Wed night. His funeral and burial were this past weekend so I made the trip back home to remember him with our other close friends.

Even though it was hard, the guys and I were asked to play music at both and so we did. We played for our friend, Jonathan, who had been right there with us as we all came together during high school and started our musical endeavors. At the time I had been so nervous to forget the lyrics/mess something up that the emotions didn't truly hit me, but as I look back now I find myself much more emotional. I am having a hard time getting my head wrapped around the fact that he truly passed away. Perhaps its just these emotions coupled with that of past ones from my fathers death, but I seem to be affected emotionally more now than ever.

I can't help but keep seeing Jonathan's family and their pain, and then placing me in their shoes about 7 years ago. Maybe that's what is causing me so much pain, the fact that I am seeing others in pain and know exactly what they are going through. For some reason it hurts more seeing that and looking back on my own past, then it was actually going through the pain at the time. I am sure shock and numbness took away the pain during the majority of the ordeal, but it still feels as if I haven't truly mourned my father's death and now it seems to be affecting me more than ever.

I promise, happier blogs in the future. I just decided to start this because of these things on my mind.

Happier roads to come!

Cole

Life is Feeble

This past Sunday I went to visit a friend who is fighting for his life against cancer. My father died in Nov of 2005 from colon cancer and I had not been subjected to cancer's awful affects since he passed away. Upon seeing my friend, many feelings and pain I had suppressed for the years since my fathers death came back down on me. Life really is a feeble thing and can be taken away so easily without any warning. My friend is only 24 years old and for someone that young to be facing the challenges he is facing is in so many ways undeserving and unfair. That could easily have been me in his shoes and it makes me realize that we are all so vulnerable and that even with advances in technology, we are really at the mercy of nature.

My hour or so ride home from the hospital was a long one. 

When my father passed away I was only 17 years old and unknowingly I attempted to try to skirt around the true issue at hand. Since then I have had regrets about things unsaid and conversations I will never get to have with him, and so I knew I must go see my friend. Not much was really said, but he was aware and knew I was there along with all of our other friends who went to visit. I told him I loved him and left with the knowledge that this could be the last time I ever get to see him. I hope he truly knows that he has impacted my life in such a positive way and times we spent together with our friends helped me get over my grief at a time when my father had just passed away. He is always around with a smile or a joke, and in the past helped me remember lyrics to songs when the "no name" band was playing some music (he knows the lyrics to about everything, and I always forgot lol).

As he continues the fight for his life, we are all consumed with such trivial things that I find it hard to go back to my normal life after seeing him. I know that this is human nature, and trivial things will continue to be the center of everyone's concern, but it still bothers me that we normally do not think about those in need until it happens to be ourselves or someone we know.

This has been a very scattered blog, but its how I currently feel... scattered between the past and my pains from my father's death, my current friend who is fighting for his life, and everyday concerns, that while need to be considered, pale in comparison to what is taking place.


And so I leave you with a picture from when I was in high school of me and the guys playing some music. My friend who is currently sick, Jonathan, is sitting beside me on the couch without an instrument. Memories like these are what life is all about and they are all we have after someone is gone from the earth. So as I continue to age, I will try to fill my life with people and times that make this life spent on earth worth remembering.

We love you Jonathan!